Friday, May 15, 2009

over a

How is that possible? I enjoy blogging so much, I can't believe it's been over a month.

So much has happened...and while, this is a quite a public place to air something that was excrutiatingly difficult, it's sort of a must must for me. I won't journal about it, so posting here will be the best.

First off, I must say to, I am now fine. For the past month, Sid and I have had the biggest roller coaster of our realtionship so far. On April 23, we found out that I was pregnant. Since it'd really only been a couple of months that we'd started trying and I'm old...I couldn't believe it.

We waited a couple of weeks and went to the doctor. Who confirmed that I was pregnant. They took some blood. She called the next day and I knew something was terribly wrong. Seems my progesterone levels were too low to sustain a pregnancy...

"So, I'm not pregnant", I asked.

"No, she said, you are pregnant, but this is a sign that something is wrong. You should come in tomorrow and have another test. If your progesterone hasn't doubled, then you'll miscarry."

I hung up the phone, in shock. Disappointed and terrified.

So, over Mother's Day weekend, I had an early term miscarriage (I was almost 6 weeks pregnant). The universe sometimes has a cruel and unusual sense of humor.

I will spare you all the ins and outs of making the choice not to have a D&C and allow my body to do it's work.....I am recovering physically and emotionally from the trauma, but this has taught me some valuable lessons and reminded me of some things that I some times take for granted.

1) I am not, in fact, invincible.

2) My husband is the most wonderful man I have ever known in my entire life. He has been so generous, kind and patient ... it's been a very serious roller coaster ride of emotions for me! He has handled the whole thing with grace and love. Putting my needs and comfort ahead of his own ... His grief and frustration and feelings of helplessness were apparent, but he gutted through them in order to make sure that I had everything I could need or want.

3) I have the best friends and family a person could possibly ever want.

4) The journey through this has taught me how common it is ... so many stories have come through to me about people they know who've been through this exact same thing...

5) Chocolate does really help heal a broken heart! (and so does Pizza)

Ultimately, what I know more now than I did before is that I am blessed. I am truly truly grateful for all the love and support I have received during this time.

So, onward and upward...We will try again and all I ask is for your prayers and good thoughts that sometime in 2010 Sid and I are able to bring a beautiful, healthy, perfect little Hammond into the world.

Thanks for listening..and thanks for letting me share. It means the world to me that you all pay even the remotest bit of attention to my musings and wandering thoughts.

much love...

(For our bestest friends who didn't know, I aplogize in advance that we didn't tell you...the past week has been just too hard...I will call you soon.)


  1. Dear Flo-

    I am sorry for what you have endured the past month--for I know your heart is a bit shattered at this point--but fear not. You are not old, you have proven that you CAN get pregnant, and you will, again and a healthy beautiful baby will grace your presence and you will know the greatest joy you could possibly handle--and you get to share it with who sounds like a wonderful spouse! Blessings to you, in any size shape and form they come within--they will be there in the littlest of things--in flowers and birds, in a cup of coffee with a friend, in a late-night, early morning, newspaper-reading coffee klatch--the blessings will come and little by little, you'll feel able to do this all over again.

    Be well--God bless--

    Ever mothering someone!


  2. big hugs FloSpeak. i am a big fan of yours and Sid. you're a strong woman.

    love u both. as always, keep ya head up.

  3. Hey lady,
    I don't know what to say. big hugs and blessings to you. next time I see you it will be a real hug. you will overcome this challenge, never fear and never lose determination. I love you both. please don't hesitate to call if you need ANYTHING!!!